I sometimes feel that from the minute you declare you are body positive there is this expectation for you to be happy with your body all the time. For you strut your fabulous fat body around every day proclaiming how much you love it and declaring that everything is as fantastic as you are. That's what I thought anyway, embracing my body as it is and stopping spending time hating it. I thought once I had got over the initial fear of posting a photo of myself in a belly showing dress on the internet out of the way it would be easy! Oh how wrong I was.
Picture this, your having a good time with all your blogger friends, a mixture of course but a lot of girls who write about beauty etc. Your feeling a little tired after a run of 3 night shifts but happy to be in there company. You go to the event you are there for and are greeted by the loveliest PR team and the loveliest salon. Then you realise that your friend is blogging having her hair done and in the background you are stood side on, with belly sticking out like your about 8 months pregnant. You have a laugh about with the only other bigger blogger there but inside you feel sick. Actually more than that, you feel angry for even caring that your belly is sticking out because YOU ARE BODY POSITIVE so why should it matter.
You then sit down to have your hair done and feel a little embarrassed that you have come to this event with your hair looking so terrible. I mean its a salon opening for christs sake! But then, you have just finished a run of nights, and its been raining and humid and it wasn't thins frizzy when you left the house, and you can cut yourself some slack girl. Theres a stylist with the most gorgeous hair straightening yours and you see it start to look smoother and think ahh this is quite nice.
You then look in the mirror again. You realise how awful your boobs look. You were too in pain to wear a proper wired bra that would have made them look round and lush, so you have on a kind of sports bra type thing but when you sat down they seemed to both head for opposite sides just pointing down like a sad smile. You try to straighten up in the chair a little and hope no one near you is vlogging at this very moment.
When your hair is finished you smile and say thankyou and feel like someone who has her shit together with straight silky hair and vow to yourself youll spend all the money on all the products to make it look like this all the time. You carry on enjoying yourself until its time to say goodbye and then go off to the cinema with the hubby.
You catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror in the toilets. Your hair looks so flat and lacks in personality almost, and think this is just not me. You rough it up a little and start to feel more you. You look at yourself in the mirror longer, looking at your belly in that dress, and think you know what I am fabulous. I'm fat, suffer from anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia, IBS and some other yet to be diagnosed conditions and yet here I am making the most of the life I am living. I have this huge friendship group that before my blog I never had. I go out, without Tom. I get the bus, the coach, the train ALL ON MY OWN to go to events - sometimes ones where I don't know anyone. I go to work and hopefully help people through some of the worst times in their lives, and make it a little easier for them.
You go to Tesco, purchase some treats and thoroughly enjoy them.
Then, after a mammouth sleep you wake up the next day, in pain but feeling calm. Your hair is a little messy, but that's just who you are. You got this girl.
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