Tuesday, 13 November 2018

Becoming Me, Formerly known as Discovering Charlotte.



I am honestly not sure how to start this post, or even where it is going but bear with me here I have some things I need to get off my chest.

I am lost.

A year ago I stopped posting on my blog Discovering Charlotte because I didn't want to focus on my health any more. What I meant by that is that I felt like I was labelling myself as the girl who had IBS, Depression, Anxiety and PCOS and naively I wanted to break free of those labels and just be me. These past few years I have made some big mistakes. I have been trying to be the person I thought I should be without really looking at the person I want to be.

I started a nursing degree in March and I know that is where I meant to be with my life. I cant explain how privileged I feel to be in a position of care like that. I currently work as a health care assistant and having had surgery myself 5 times now I know how much of a difference a Nurse can make. However my anxiety gets the better of me. I am constantly living with imposter syndrome. Thinking I am not good enough, not clever enough to get where I want to be. It means again I often hide away.

Its not been helped by the fact that in September, on the day I should have been sitting my anatomy and physiology exam (which I had revised really hard for) I was myself once again a patient. After 3 previous laporoscopies to remove cysts (In June 2012, October 2016 and October 2017) this time it was decided that as the cyst was so big they would have to perform an open surgery and remove my ovary and Fallopian tube as well.



My recovery has been slow and I had to take an interruption from uni which has bought with it all these feelings of guilt. I know I have to look after my body and yet its so hard when I feel like I am at constant war with it. I don't have the energy to keep on this way and know I need to practise more self care and this is where I feel like I am walking along a tightrope.

I want to exercise more but I cant go in all guns blazing as I am only 9 weeks post a pretty big abdominal surgery. So I have started with swimming and walking and we will up it from there.

I want to introduce gentle nutrition but I am constantly fighting my IBS and a lot of what is deemed healthy upsets my digestive system.

I want to be back working full time so I don't have to worry about money because I have been spending recently like its going out of fashion. I don't have solutions to any of these problems but I know I cant just keep going on the way I am.

For now I am just taking each day one step at a time, keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where I end up.

Charlotte


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